Bad Mood
So we had a tornado sandwich here last night. I had three tornados pass a few miles to the north, and two a few miles to the south. The closest one came real near the other side of my mountain. Like a mile near. If it had came a bit closer it would almost certainly have taken out my church, then lifted over the mountain and sat down right in my subdivision. And probably taken out both my house and the house of the other UU family down the street. Sure, and plenty of others too, but I can just imagine what the evangelicals here in town would make of that when it got round to them! Repent ye sinners, for the Lord has judged you!
There wasn’t much damage, except for the torrential rainfall caused water to seep into the baseboards and into my bathroom and walk-in closet. I will be having a conversation with the builder Monday morning. The whole house is still under warranty so he has to fix it. This morning I went out to check the property and discovered that one of my rosebushes has not one, not even two, but at least half a dozen buds on it! It’s not supposed to bloom for another year. I’ll see if it does or if these are false starts.
Of course, it was still overcast today and it turned cold again, which does NOT help my dysthymia. I’m rather proud of myself on the spending front though. All I got this weekend that I didn’t absolutely have to have was film for my camera, an extra dozen eggs, and one of those egg coloring sets. I’m going to color eggs for the kids at church to hunt next weekend. And I got a new lawn mower. I rationalized this because a) the lawn has to be mowed, b) the old one is broken and fixing it would cost more than the new mower and c) it’s cheaper to buy a mower than to pay someone to do it. This is a better mower anyway, much more sustainable. Not to mention cheap! It’s the old push mower type.
As usual, my own plans for this weekend are housecleaning and watching a movie. The last night I had someplace to go on Saturday night that wasn’t a church function was to my best friend’s 50th birthday party. In October. Quite obviously, I have no life. So here I am, sitting here Saturday night with nothing to do and completely, utterly depressed. Big surprise there on the depression. I am dysthymic after all. Having dysthymia is a lot like being locking in a glass house away from the world but observing everything. You keep trying to find the way out and instead end up getting discouraged because what’s the point? This, accompanied by nearly constant cynicism and depression. It limits my career choices; I want to go into the people helping professions but I have to be careful what I pick. Not social work (though that’s ruled out by being gay anyway), and not a therapist. Like the old joke goes, the only thing worse than a dysthymic shrink is a dysthymic preacher. So social work and psych are out, that pretty much leaves sociology. Becoming an academic. Oh well. It’s better than engineering. Or I could stay in engineering and go into civil and build roads. Only I don’t want to do that either.
In a way being dysthymic is an advantage. I’ll never a partner or family, and despite the advantages of that there are downsides I’ll never have to deal with. I’ll never have to figure out dating, or the whole couple thing, try to figure out a relationship or get married, never have to deal with in-laws, never have to worry about kids. And when I fall I know upfront that I’m going to get my heartbroken. Which is a sight better than the anxiety I’ve seen others go through! I may joke about wanting to date but I know better. I couldn’t function in that kind of relationship, and it wouldn’t be right to ask someone else to put up with my constant sourness. So that will always remain an unattainable dream, unless a miracle should happen and my dysthymia should go away. Right.
And I think I need a drink.
There wasn’t much damage, except for the torrential rainfall caused water to seep into the baseboards and into my bathroom and walk-in closet. I will be having a conversation with the builder Monday morning. The whole house is still under warranty so he has to fix it. This morning I went out to check the property and discovered that one of my rosebushes has not one, not even two, but at least half a dozen buds on it! It’s not supposed to bloom for another year. I’ll see if it does or if these are false starts.
Of course, it was still overcast today and it turned cold again, which does NOT help my dysthymia. I’m rather proud of myself on the spending front though. All I got this weekend that I didn’t absolutely have to have was film for my camera, an extra dozen eggs, and one of those egg coloring sets. I’m going to color eggs for the kids at church to hunt next weekend. And I got a new lawn mower. I rationalized this because a) the lawn has to be mowed, b) the old one is broken and fixing it would cost more than the new mower and c) it’s cheaper to buy a mower than to pay someone to do it. This is a better mower anyway, much more sustainable. Not to mention cheap! It’s the old push mower type.
As usual, my own plans for this weekend are housecleaning and watching a movie. The last night I had someplace to go on Saturday night that wasn’t a church function was to my best friend’s 50th birthday party. In October. Quite obviously, I have no life. So here I am, sitting here Saturday night with nothing to do and completely, utterly depressed. Big surprise there on the depression. I am dysthymic after all. Having dysthymia is a lot like being locking in a glass house away from the world but observing everything. You keep trying to find the way out and instead end up getting discouraged because what’s the point? This, accompanied by nearly constant cynicism and depression. It limits my career choices; I want to go into the people helping professions but I have to be careful what I pick. Not social work (though that’s ruled out by being gay anyway), and not a therapist. Like the old joke goes, the only thing worse than a dysthymic shrink is a dysthymic preacher. So social work and psych are out, that pretty much leaves sociology. Becoming an academic. Oh well. It’s better than engineering. Or I could stay in engineering and go into civil and build roads. Only I don’t want to do that either.
In a way being dysthymic is an advantage. I’ll never a partner or family, and despite the advantages of that there are downsides I’ll never have to deal with. I’ll never have to figure out dating, or the whole couple thing, try to figure out a relationship or get married, never have to deal with in-laws, never have to worry about kids. And when I fall I know upfront that I’m going to get my heartbroken. Which is a sight better than the anxiety I’ve seen others go through! I may joke about wanting to date but I know better. I couldn’t function in that kind of relationship, and it wouldn’t be right to ask someone else to put up with my constant sourness. So that will always remain an unattainable dream, unless a miracle should happen and my dysthymia should go away. Right.
And I think I need a drink.
posted by RAS at 4/08/2006 06:38:00 PM
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