Seeking in the Dark

Seeking in the Dark

I was born
In the dark
No light to guide
A crooked path
No hand to hold
Clinging only to Hope
Crawling on hands and knees
Reaching for Light
That wasn’t there
Longing for an exit

There are only three universal truths for all members of humanity. We are born, we all will die, and in between we will know both joy and suffering. How much of each of these emotions each one of us shall experience is partialed out unequally. Some will have mostly joy, and some mostly suffering. And some shall know equal amounts of each.

But why? What is the purpose behind it all? Or is there one? Why do we live, why do we die, and what are we anyway? As Rev. Forrest Church said, if there is a meaning to life, then it must be universally accessible. Every person must be able to find out if they try hard enough.

Maybe the meaning of life is different for each person and that’s what makes it so hard to find. I am certainly still seeking that meaning. And it is nowhere in sight. I still have not adequately answered the relatively simple questions of who and what am I, much less made any headway on the hardest question of all!

Wearing this eyepatch the past couple of days has really made me think. With only half my vision, my normal clumsiness has gotten even worse and I’ve managed to bump into doors, hit my head on the mailbox, and half a dozen other things just from not being able to see out of both eyes. Yet, I tend to have about half that many accidents when I have the use of both eyes. So even then I don’t see anything.

How much does anyone really see? Not just everyday objects. I mean everything. Reality. God. The universe. I think we are all seeking in the dark. For the truth, for the Light, for what’s right and wrong. Some of us see more than others I’m sure. And I’m also certain there are those among us who are completely blind. And we all descend into darkness at some point or other in our lives. As Etheridge said ‘there comes a time we all know, there’s a place we must go, into the soul, into the heart, into the dark.’

I’m listening to that song now as I write this. It reminds me so much of my life up to this point. I was born in the dark, and have spent my whole life looking for a way out of it. The real me was hidden away for many many years as I fought to survive. ‘I’ve been here…sleeping all these years.’ It wasn’t safe for me to be who I am all that time. It wasn’t safe for me to be anybody, just a barely functioning robot struggling only for survival. And longing for escape.

There’s a question that haunts me sometimes. Who would I be if things had been different? I have part of the answer now I think. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I see her, not as my reflection but deep inside it. A confident, charming, and yes sexy young woman who knows who and what she is and is comfortable with the world and herself. Who doesn’t carry around the pain and the burdens that I do. She is not weary of the world and its ills. She has never experienced them. She is me and yet not me…she is the me that might have been. I can never be that young woman, but I can someday be something like her. Only tempered by the pains of care and refined by the burden of all the suffering I have seen and experienced. She is steel unforged; I am steel that has been hardened and tempered by the heat of the fire and is slowly being honed into a fine blade. I went through Hell after all, and survived. There’s something to be said for that.

Why? What is the reason for everything? Is there one? There has to be. I can no more imagine a meaningless universe than I can imagine there not being a God. Though at one point, I had no faith in Her. I could not reconcile what I had been through Then I matured enough to realize that God had nothing to do with it. I am still no closer to my answer of why. But at least –at least I am certain that there is a reason. That is more than could be said for the lost, lonely, aching 16 year old I once was. Seven years later I am not quite as lost or lonely as I was then, and am not in nearly as much pain. I am still in pain, and still have some healing to do, but I have come very, very far.

My path has not been easy. It has been broken, twisted, and winding. There have been no markers to mark the way and many obstacles have had to be overcome. And all of it in complete darkness. Only the hope of one day finding the Light has kept me going. I look at others my age and I don’t understand them. I am both older and younger than them in ways that are hard to explain. And just plain different. They have done things I never have and may never do –they have been in relationships, they’ve had families, some are married and have their own kids, they have been places and seen things I never have. I don’t get their jokes, their clothing, their music, or their behavior. And they don’t get me either. Most don’t understand how I can be so dour, so set apart, so …old. And I don’t see how they can be so care free and so young. They puzzle me. They’ve never been abused, much less to the extent that I was. They’ve never been homeless. They haven’t ever been without a decent meal, much less been hungry enough to eat out of the trash! None of them have ever seen blood spilt or watched another person die. They haven’t ever had to deal with the trauma I’ve undergone. Unlike them I have never known a loving family or any love in general. But I survived. Will I ever figure them out? I hope so. I just have to finish figuring myself out first.

In the past few years I have healed enough to slowly begin to see the Light. It has been a long, hard, and difficult task. And one that is not yet completed. Lately I have been descending back into the dark deliberately –down into the depths of my soul, where that little girl I once was still hides in terror. I have done so in order to find her and coach her towards the light above. One slow, small step at a time. Facing my past is not easy. There are parts of it I may never be able to look at directly. But facing it is necessary for me to grow and heal as a person. I am not a normal person, but I am human. Very, very human.

Where am I going with this? I’m not certain. Any more than I’m certain of where I’m going in life. I guess I’m taking stock of where I’ve been, where I’m at, and trying to figure out where to go from here. I’ve come so far in the past five years alone. Since coming of age I’ve admitted and even become proud of being gay, gotten my engineering degree, bought a house, found UU, and developed the first real friends I’ve ever had. I’ve even fallen in love twice, and gotten severely burned both times because both girls wanted nothing to do with me. I’ve even become quite the leader, which is still a surprise to me when I wake up and realize it. Sometimes I turn around and go wtf? What happened? It seems like just yesterday I was sitting in my first college class trying to remember to breathe. The first person in my family to make it to college –all that pressure!

When I started college I chose my major based on three things. What I would make, if I could do it –and whether or not I would have to do a lot of work with people. I wanted to make a lot of money, I could do anything I sat my mind to and knew it, and I wanted to avoid people as much as possible. I didn’t understand them and all they ever caused me was pain. So I walked the halls of first chemistry and then engineering for these reasons. The classes were easy. They rarely challenged me. But then, very little ever has. Even quantum physics was a breeze. Somewhere along the way something I changed. I discovered my favorite subjects weren’t the math and physics I spent so much time studying. They were psychology and sociology, philosophy and religion, English and poetry, history and cultures. But you couldn’t make any money in those fields. And, more importantly, they were people fields.

Somewhere in there I started to like people. I developed a deep need to connect with others. As my wounds began to heal I developed an intense need to be around humans. The inherent social tendencies of all apes, suppressed so long inside me for survival, began to emerge. At first I filled these needs by getting out and about. Spending an hour in Wal-mart surrounded by people was enough at first. But gradually I needed more. So I began to reach out, slowly at first. And I screwed up terribly. And more than once. I was like a child just learning to crawl or to walk. In some ways I often still am. I got involved in activities more and more. As I became more comfortable I was able to open up and even express opinions. Then when I started to notice things that need to be done I would step in and take charge and do them. By my last year in college I was serving as an officer in three different organizations. Two of them were service organizations.

I developed an intense need to and a liking for helping others. More and more over the past several years I have found myself involved directly in work to benefit others. Always unpaid and usually unnoticed. It’s become a driving force in my life, a passion unrivaled by anything else.

Last year I finished college and started working full time. I had done so part time before that of course, but always in different types of settings. Suddenly I found myself locked away in all-grey environments under fluorescent lighting and with virtually no human contact. And no windows anywhere. I’m lucky to see the sunshine twenty minutes each day on my way to and from work. And the work I’m doing isn’t nice; I work on missiles for the military, tapping on a computer all day. I can’t find a different sort of job in my industry. My new job has a better environment and better pay, but it’s basically the same sort of thing.

I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life. Or even another year. I have to do it that long –bills. But then I want to change. To what? I don’t know precisely. Yet. I want to dedicate my life to helping others. That much I know for certain. I know it in my bones the same way I know the sun will rise tomorrow. The how and the way still needs to be worked out. I don’t care so much for money anymore, as long as I make enough to pay the bills. I just …want to help.

So I’m seeking. In the dark, as always. Not on my hands and knees anymore. But stumbling forward cautiously, hoping not to fall off a precipice. I’m still healing from all that was done to me, and dealing with the chronic health problems I now have. I’ve healed enough to develop relationships with others, to take my first tentative steps into the world. Even to fall in love. Not once, but twice. A street rat in love –Aladdin without the genie. I’ve made my peace with the God I once ceased to believe in. And even to find a religion that accepts me for who I am and doesn’t persecute me. Hell, I’ve actually become an opinionated, annoying little so and so at times.

And I’ve started looking for the answers to the big question. Why, what, how. Life. The universe and everything. And I know the answer is far more than and yet as simple as 42. I’m made my peace with God, and she and my spirituality have become central to my life. But I’m at a crossroads once again –and as always, seeking in the dark.