Random Thoughts on Monday Morning

Being a short-timer here at work, I have nothing to do, so I thought I’d update this blog with a long post. Last night I was getting ready for bed, and taking care of my ‘kids’. All five of them. I had to kiss each of them good night and tell them I loved them. And right before I laid down (just like right before I leave to go anywhere) I had to do the Cat Count: make sure I could find each of the cats, so I knew they weren’t locked in a closet or my office or anything. With my cats that happens on a regular basis. The same cat got locked into the laundry room yesterday morning and my office yesterday evening. Anyway, I was doing all this, and suddenly the thought struck me: I won’t always have them. Someday, they will all be gone. I may have new ones by then, but these will be gone. And suddenly I couldn’t breathe. For a long moment I stood there, overwhelmed by the emotions raging inside my heart. Then I did the only thing I could do: I found each of them, and in turn held them and kissed them and generally made sure they knew how much I loved them. I slept a whole lot better because of that.

This morning I had to keep reminding myself how much I loved them –because they all, every single one of them, caused some kind of trouble while I was trying to get ready for work. And this was on top of the Comedy of Errors that played out this morning. It’s not funny, but it is. I went to put my contacts in when I got up at six. Somehow, I put the right one in backwards. And it had a tear in it that I didn’t notice. Of course, I went to take it out right away. And couldn’t. It was stuck. I tried and tried, and couldn’t get it out. So eventually I had to go on and finish feeding the pets, letting them out to potty, etc etc. All while furiously blinking one eye and unable to see out of it at all. I kept stopping to try and get the dratted contact out, and couldn’t. Somewhere in all the chaos, between tripping over the cat who wouldn’t get out from underfoot, chasing down my poodle to give him his meds, and all the other chaos of early morning, the contact fell out on its own. And I didn’t realize it. So I kept trying to get it out –and I was tugging on my eye lens! Gradually, it dawned on me that this wasn’t working –and it hurt really bad to boot. So I finally figured it out, and put in another contact. And made it to work half an hour late because of it.

Speaking of work, I’m trying to figure out this career thing. Part of me feels like I have to limit my options because of the dysthymia nonsense, and part of me says that shouldn’t matter. I tend to be fine on the weekends –it’s sitting in this all grey environment under fluorescent lighting tapping on a computer and isolated from people all week that gets to me. I can’t do this for the rest of my life. Yeah, I’m changing jobs, but the work there is along the same lines. The biggest differences are the pay, the location, and the fact that they have some windows there. I’ve done the calculations, and without a miracle I’m going to be doing this sort of thing for the next five years. That’s how long it will take me to pay off all my and finish school for something else. Assuming I figure out pretty quickly what it is I want to do, and convince myself that I can do it. So I’m looking at another five years of not wanting to get up in the morning and hating my job. Five years. I’m not sure I can stand this line of work for that long.

And then there’s what do I want to do? I want to be in some kind of work where I can work with and help people. But I don’t know what. And I’m not sure how my ongoing battle should affect my choices. I know the majority of my problems are caused by my current work environment –but how much? And how well could I tolerate being around people 24/7? I don’t know the answer. I grew up so isolated and was so abused that I just don’t have the tools and the skills normal folks do!

And of course there’s love. Sigh. How many more times do I have to get my heart broken before I learn my lesson? Probably a lot more. I still won’t have gotten so much as a date by the end of it! I’m getting to the age where I’m just going to have to accept the fact that it isn’t going to happen for me. Not without a miracle at any rate. I could look for it, but the odds of finding it are about the same as if I don’t. Virtually zero. If I could turn that part of my brain off, I would. Just to avoid the pain that comes from longing so much! Sigh. There were three women at church yesterday that I am absurdly attracted to. One’s straight and the other two just aren’t interested or are a bit too old for me. And they all had to sit in front of me where I couldn’t help but see all three all through the service. Aaagggghhhhh. Maybe I should just join a community of monks. It would solve a whole set of my problems if I never had to see another attractive woman!